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Category: I Pity the Server

¿Que?

¿Que?

I’m at my favourite local Mexican restaurant, a little family owned hole-in-the-wall.  Perhaps it goes without saying, but the entire staff is latino and spanish-speaking.

Yet here I am, sitting next to a middle-aged white woman who is intent on translating the components of her order to the server.  She clarifies she wants “carnitas, which is pork” to the waitress no less than three times throughout the order.  She also wants “salsa verde; that’s the green one.”  Luckily, she drew the line at explaining what a chile relleno was, and spared us all that final potential lesson.

No, Cannot Has Cheezburger

No, Cannot Has Cheezburger

Scene: a man eating solo at a generic chinese restaurant restaurant.

The man orders a mango iced tea.

The server says sorry, they don’t have mango iced tea.

The man asks for a raspberry iced tea.

The server says they don’t have any fruit teas, and begins listing beverage selection.

The man wants sweet tea.

The server says they don’t have any kind of tea but regular black tea.  She returns to listing drinks.

The man then requests strawberry juice.       [editor’s note: ?!?!is this a thing?!?!]

Amazingly, the waiter is able to offer him some sort of strawberryish drink from the bar menu, made virgin.

The man then starts ordering food that is not on the menu.  Really, really, not on the menu.  He goes through four or five different “orders” (turkey sandwich?  pizza?  cheeseburger? ) with escalating frustration before he finally starts looking at the menu to see the kind of food that actually is available.  He orders the lunch special.  It is dinner time.  Finally, he gives up and just asks for broth.  He wants nothing in his broth, except maybe some white rice.  Luckily, the kitchen can accommodate this and he is finally content.

I hope he enjoyed his dinner of beef broth and strawberry juice.

I Would Like Food With Sauce

I Would Like Food With Sauce

Scene: chinese restaurant – one patron, one appetizer, one hot sauce.

Patron: “This [hot] sauce is spicy, do you have a  sauce like this one but not spicy.”

Server: “That’s a chile sauce so unfortunately it only comes in spicy.”

Patron: “Well, I’ll have another kind of sauce then.”

Server: “Um, like what kind of sauce? “

Patron: “Like… a sauce.  Another kind of sauce.”

Server: “We have soy sauce?”

Patron: “No, like, a sauce.  I want a sauce.”

[spoiler conclusion: lady ultimately surrenders to saucelessness]

Mrs. Butterpurse

Mrs. Butterpurse

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Scene: two older ladies at a table.

One is telling the other about the time she got in a physical altercation with a waitress at a Waffle House because the server mistakenly said the syrup was real maple syrup but — plot twist — it wasn’t.  She kept harping about how dumb the server was for thinking it was real maple, as if that made it obvious why the girl needed to be attacked over her mistaken categorization of a breakfast condiment.  Her voice was full of pride as she recanted this tale.

She then produced a stick of butter out of her purse and explained that’s why she always packs her own butter and syrup when she goes out to eat, because restaurants usually only have margarine and fake maple.

I’m not sure what is weirder: the Waffle House fisticuffs or the purse butter.  Also, it wasn’t even breakfast.

No, baby, it’s disgusting.

No, baby, it’s disgusting.

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Scene: A lady and two guys at lunch.  One guy appears to be her friend, the other seems to be the partner of the other man, and mostly chews silently.  He must not like the lady.  I know I don’t.  Aside from the awful racist, she is possibly one of the most obnoxious people I’ve ever had the “pleasure” of eating beside.

From the very start, the lady addresses her server as “Baby” and keeps touching his arm.  After he takes her drink order, she begins asking him a bunch of very personal questions.  She is probably the same age as his mother.  He appears mildly uncomfortable but answers the questions politely.  She continues to exclusively call him “Baby” throughout the entire meal.

So, already I kinda hate her.

Her friend at the table orders some kind of cocktail.  When it arrives, she asks if she can try it.  Her friend says sure and passes her the glass.

Lady: Oh, that is disgusting.  All you can taste is the alcohol!  You actually like this?
Friend: Yes, this is what I usually get.
Lady: You like it though?
Friend: …yes.
Lady: It’s disgusting, all you can taste is the alcohol.
[server walks up]
Server: Is the drink not okay?
Friend: It is great, thank you.
Lady:  No, it’s disgusting!  All you can taste is the alcohol.
Server: I’m very sorry!  Uh… I can bring you an extra cup of the mixer to add to it to dilute it a bit if you’d like?
Lady: Yes, please do.
Friend: No, really it’s fine.
Lady:  You really like it like that?
Friend: Yes, it’s good.
Server: I’m happy to if you’d like.
Friend: No, please, it is good.
Lady: [incredulous] You really like it like that?
Server: Okay, well let me know if you change your mind.
Lady: [insistent] It’s disgusting.
Friend: It’s really fine.
[after server leaves]
Lady: You really like it like that?

The mystery of the century, except not.

The mystery of the century, except not.

This time the source of the awkward was me. To set the scene, I’m eating lunch with my spouse in one of the places I eat fairly regularly.

My server takes our drink order and says, with a look of extreme embarrassment on her face, “okay… I have to ask… what is nut spork?”

Did I mishear her?  Is this a joke?  Is someone filming me with a hidden camera?  All I can say is “what?”

“A nut spork?  Do you… only eat with sporks?” She sounds almost as confused as I feel. I didn’t know how to respond and just stared at her with what was almost certainly a deer-in-the-headlights look.  Finally she shows me the ticket for my table:

I… what.  The three of us just stare at the ticket silently together.

Finally my spouse goes, “is that for allergies?  So… nuts and pork?”  I remember then I am a “rewards” member here and I must filled out some kind of survey when I registered about food restrictions.

The server laughs awkwardly, “oh okay, I thought it had something to do with spoons and forks!”