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Category: Not very smart

¿Que?

¿Que?

I’m at my favourite local Mexican restaurant, a little family owned hole-in-the-wall.  Perhaps it goes without saying, but the entire staff is latino and spanish-speaking.

Yet here I am, sitting next to a middle-aged white woman who is intent on translating the components of her order to the server.  She clarifies she wants “carnitas, which is pork” to the waitress no less than three times throughout the order.  She also wants “salsa verde; that’s the green one.”  Luckily, she drew the line at explaining what a chile relleno was, and spared us all that final potential lesson.

A recent grad from Hollywood Upstairs Medical College

A recent grad from Hollywood Upstairs Medical College

I’m finishing up my lunch in a quiet restaurant.  The table across from me is man is eating lunch with two women.  They are engaged in a passionate debate… or, at least he is.  He is insisting to the two skeptical-looking women that if “you die in your dreams, you die in real life.” Dude is insisting it is a 100% true scientific reality.  The women are being polite, “I think that’s just an urban legend” but he is absolutely not having it.  If you dream your death, your body is convinced and just totally shuts off and you immediately die.  A medical fact, he says.

He has the kind of confidence about this information that I feel like even if someone whipped out their phone and googled this for him, he’d just be convinced the whole internet was wrong instead of himself.

I almost regret leaving before seeing how that battle concluded.

I think that man actually hates you, sir.

I think that man actually hates you, sir.

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Scene: Two men in suits.

One man advises the other:

“Here’s what you need to do.  You need to buy [local newspaper] and then you need to invest some money to turn it into a national paper.”

Then they spend the rest of the lunch hashing out the details of this trainwreck of a business venture.

Not sure if dumb or charlatan

Not sure if dumb or charlatan

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Scene: A handful of professionals at a business lunch

Sales Bro:  The key to making money online for your company is using Bing.
Employee A: Bing?
Sales Bro: It’s Microsoft’s version of Google.
Employee B: [impressed] Oh, Microsoft!
Sales Bro: Yeah, they pay way higher for ad words than Google.
Employee A: What does that mean?
Sales Bro: so like basically if you would have made $180,000 on Google, you’d make almost $240,000 on Bing.
[no one asks the realistic possibility of making either of these figures anywhere]
Sales Bro: Also, the key to driving traffic to your site is using Bing too.  Not Google.  You’ll get way more online sales.  Yahoo might also be good, but I’ll have to check on that.

[note: no, Yahoo is not “also good.”]

He then spent the remainder of the meal bragging about how many offices he has and how many people he manages.  He has an office in NYC and LA.  I guess that means he’s totes legit.

I am vegan but I don’t know what that means.

I am vegan but I don’t know what that means.

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Scene: Two friends out at lunch at an asian restaurant

Lady A:  I don’t remember – are you vegan or vegetarian?

“Vegan” Lady: I’m vegan.

Lady A: I thought so.  This place has a lot of great vegan and vegetarian stuff. Our whole family is vegetarian so I come here a lot.

“Vegan” Lady: I like to get [whatever entree] except with tofu.

Lady A: Oh, is that vegan?  I am pretty sure it has egg in it.  It actually might also have dairy, too.

“Vegan” Lady: Well, it is vegan if you get tofu instead of chicken.

Lady A: [sounding confused] Yeah, I know you can get it made vegetarian since I’ve ordered it before, I just wasn’t sure about vegan.

“Vegan” Lady: Tofu is vegan.

Lady A: Yeah, uh, but… yeah, see here?  The menu says it has eggs in it.  So it wouldn’t be vegan for you.  Hm, how about we get [another entree] instead?

“Vegan” Lady: No no, [first entree] with tofu instead of chicken is good.  It’s vegan if we get tofu.

Lady A: [awkwardly] uhm… okay… then….  We’ll just get that.